Shopping, Travel, & Food
Spoiler alert, this post isn’t about either of those things.
About 20 years ago, I realized that I had a problem—a shopping problem. Whenever I was feeling stressed, I’d magically come home with something new. I adopted a plan to begin noticing what I really wanted. The plan was that I would go window shopping when the urge came up — I wouldn’t even have money with me. Then, if I still wanted the item a week later, I would buy it. It worked and it helped me distinguish my whims from my true wants.
About 15 years ago, I moved to San Diego from Houston. I’d already moved from Dallas to Austin for university, Austin to Houston for a better life in a more diverse city, and from Houston to San Diego for a job opportunity. Also, I’d had a lot of stress in Houston that I wanted to get away from. I wanted to leave it all for a while, and San Diego offered that opportunity to do just that. And so I packed up my 11 year old, and we left for a great job transfer. I had a gravy situation and we enjoyed living in the outskirts of La Jolla for a while (until we couldn’t afford it anymore). After the Poway Fires, which occurred while I was on a business trip and my daughter was staying with a friend, I started to rethink California and the job. It was a great opportunity that afforded me amazing opportunities to hob-knob with F500 C-level executives, and that kept me traveling 25% of the time. But the downside was that I was with F500 C-level executives… and I was beginning to take on some of their traits, which my mother defined as “nice nasty.”
I discerned that what I really enjoyed was the travel. I loved getting away from single parenting for a long weekend once a month. And I wanted more of it. But my daughter was getting older and I had a plan to be all up in her business and life in her teens. So when I became a secondary education teacher in a very poor school, which was my way of giving back after helping so many really wealthy people take more, I took advantage of every break, holiday, and summer to travel. Oh, and I took my daughter with me.
In the last 12 years, I have traveled to at least 24 countries (I’m probably forgetting a few) over North, Central and South America, the Caribbean, Europe, and Africa. And for most of it, I was avoiding being at home. Traveling became the new shopping, and collecting passport stamps became the new cute pair of sunnies I just had to have. Don’t get me wrong, I have made strong heart connections in the places I’ve been, leaving a little piece of me in Brazil, Cuba, and Nicaragua, but I traveled to get away… a lot.
And then there’s food. Contrary to what many believe about overweight people, I’m not a binge eater. I’ve never enjoyed eating until I feel stuffed — it’s just not my thing. I did find a connection between wanting Chips & Queso (it’s a Texas thing) whenever stressed. So Taco Tuesday became Taco Wednesday, Taco whenever we had long meetings at work day, et cetera ad nauseam. I guess everyone has their comfort food, but mine served me very little. I knew this was another coping strategy that needed shifting, but something else needed to shift, too.
Work.
I realized that work was the cause of so many of these moments of needing a little pick-me-up. I’m grateful that my coping mechanisms were never drugs, but, I must tell you — shopping, travel, and dining out do a number on the wallet. The only thing that really offered longterm coping skills was yoga. Yoga reminded me to breathe before speaking, to step into self study and observation to make shifts without self judgment, and to help repair the relationship with my body that culture had damaged. There became a point in which yoga eclipsed all other work. It became a meaningful way for me to engage with others and myself.
With a strong plan in place, I left the stability of education and dove into a different kind of meaningful work — work that was reciprocal in its giving.
Now living in a boundaries relationship with meaningful work, I notice that I’m less likely to make random purchases, when I travel, I’m able to do so without the extraction and can truly be there without needing the place to give me something, and slowly my complicated relationship with food has shifted into an amicable one.
Why does this come up now?
Because for some of you, it might be time to shift your relationship with the news or social media. Notice how you feel after spending some time watching or scrolling for a while. What is the habit you turn to after?
I went from being informed on an academic level to selectively reading my news because of this. I read the news when I have the capacity to handle what I might find there. That means there might be 24 hours between something happening and me finding out about it. And guess what, it’s okay.
There is so much strife in the world. And that’s before you get to your own life. And if you truly must be on social media for long periods of time (perhaps for work, like me) or you can’t quit the news cycle, create a plan to leverage a coping mechanism that works for you — not against you.
I recommend:
Extended Exhale Pranayama: while Box/Square Breathing (inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4) is a great way of getting present, extending your exhale actually helps to let go of what you’re carrying.
Mantra “Idam na mama”: this mantra means “this is not mine.” I use this mantra every time I see another unarmed Black person shot, another piece of LGBTQ+-harming legislation passed or considered, whenever a family member tries to goad me into engaging in a way that is not in alignment with who I am. It’s not mine to carry. It doesn’t mean I don’t have to care, it means I don’t have to carry. Where am I going to carry it?? Next to my grief journey from losing my mom? Next to my illusory fears of lack because of a history of housing instability? Next to my realities of an aging body? No. Idam na mama. That’s not mine to carry. I will not. I cannot.
Movement: whether it’s the movement of yoga, gardening, or going dancing with friends, move. Move it out. Where are your fears/sadness/grief/anxiety going to go if not out? Do you want to house that in your body? Move it out. And if it’s too hard to move out, get some help moving it out.
Community: When things are really messed up, laughter with friends can feel like a betrayal of your inner ally with the situation causing the sadness. And yet, joy is available and here for you to enjoy… right now. Fill up your cup with the company of someone amazing because you don’t know for how long you’ll have only that experience for nourishment.
I hope that you’ll prioritize yourself, your joy, your release, your breath. You don’t have to carry it all. You don’t have to carry any of it, actually. Joy is available, right now.
If this resonated with you, comment below.