Community & Reciprocity
I used to spend copious amounts of time with a few people during the time of forced relationship, aka the pandemic. I know that sounds harsh, but how many of us spent more time with our spouses and friends than what we truly wanted because we literally were stuck together? 😂 Okay, so I’m being a little silly about that, and also 👀.
Anyhoo, as I emerged from my quaranbubble, I, like many of you, started to side-eye some folks with whom I’d spent loads of time. In particular, I had an individual in my life who loved to connect to be petty, share tea (aka gossip), but wasn’t there for higher vibration or depth of conversation.
One day, I spoke to this—the lack of being there for me while I had listened to hours of pining and complaining in the time we’d been together. We had also had a disagreement, and they didn’t appreciate me not being an echo chamber. But that’s not what relationships are for, amirite? They’re meant to grow you, grow with you, or accompany you for a little while, then be over. How much suffering is involved in holding onto relationships past their expiration date? I’d say… a LOT. So when it was evident that it was time to move on because we wanted different things from a friendship, I did. And guess what: life is still going, Earth is still spinning on its axis, and I engage in tea-spillage a lot less. For many reasons, I don’t really have the space for that (outside of discussing brain cotton candy a la trash TV like Love is Blind, but I digress).
This conversation and its subsequent consequence of the dissolution of a friendship, as well as many others that have happened in the last three years, unsustainable business practices under the auspices of equity, and being in communities that require large energetic exchanges, have led me to ruminate on reciprocity in relationships.
Is there space in your friendship/relationship/job to disagree?
Is there space in your friendship/relationship/job to say “No” from a full chest?
Is there spaciousness, in general?
Is it extractive?
Extraction vs. reciprocity
Extraction can look like:
No space for your storytelling with witnessing — the listener attempts to tie your situation up in a neat bow instead of allowing it to be messy
Asking for your stories, then leaving the conversation (relationship) when it gets hard
Asking those in marginalization for their labor of explaining what marginalization looks like without doing one’s own work of research (we have a world of knowledge on all human history in our phones), then not accepting their realities as truth because one doesn’t yet understand.
Seeking understanding over witnessing, listening, believing
Reciprocity can look like:
“I don’t fully understand, but I believe you.”
“Thank you for doing the labor of explaining that to me. I will continue to learn more.”
“Do you have the capacity for me to share something heavy, right now? There are no wrong answers.”
“I need to talk something through with someone. Do you have space?”
“Would you like advice, to be heard, or comfort, right now?” upon someone sharing something.
Witnessing tears without the need to wipe them away — understanding that allowing tears to fall is a sacred act of cleansing and they don’t have to be wiped away by the witness.
Not expecting those in the challenging work of living marginalized realities to pick up every new cause because you understand that they are in a silent battle most days.
If you can think of more examples, please place in the comments.
extraction is not relationship — it’s a transaction. relationships are spacious.
Now, P L E A S E don’t get confused. I’m no saint. I’ve engaged in every single one of those behaviors at some point. Also, know better, do better.
So in this time of deep challenge — and mind you, you do not know what people are dealing with at any given time, so the challenges are probably much, much deeper than you imagine — are you willing to be in relationship?